Holy shit - has it really been 3 years since I've written for this blog? It's certainly not as if I don't have things to write about... as a matter of fact, a shit ton has happened in the past 3 years. Let's catch up a bit, shall we?
Shortly after my last blog post, I decided to leave northern California and return to my home state of Massachusetts. I know you're wondering why, so I'll tell you. I was homesick. I was stressed out. I was sad and lonely. I missed my mom, my sister, my nephews, my friends. I was living on a farm on a mountain with my husband Jeremy and 2 semi-grown children. I was afraid to drive off the mountain using the one-lane road that had cliffs on either side of it so I hardly ever left the property and I never once left alone. Jeremy and I had discussed going to Hawaii for our 20th wedding anniversary, which was in August of 2013 - but Jeremy got engrossed in his work and I let him. I felt like we were growing apart. Our relationship felt more "comfortable" than anything else, and I was starting to feel a bit neglected and unappreciated. I wondered if he'd be happier without me, so he could do the things he said he had dreamed of doing that I had absolutely no interest in, things like buying a sailboat and sailing away for a few months at a time.
My daughter Cassidy was 18 and she was also homesick (mostly for her friends), but California was Jeremy's dream and my son was preparing to enter the Navy, departing from California. So I told Jeremy that I wanted to move back, but that I thought he should stay. I felt like if I made him move back, he'd resent me. I couldn't live with that. So I found a house to rent and Jeremy helped Cassidy and I move back. He was nothing but supportive and we agreed that he'd visit me and I'd visit him and we'd figure things out. But then I started thinking that maybe we weren't meant to be together at all - maybe this was a chance for us each to start a new life. I didn't think he loved me anymore - looking back, I think I was pretty severely depressed. We spent a year going back and forth between MA & CA, all the while I was slipping deeper and deeper into depression. I pushed Jeremy away but he never once gave up.
I spent the Winter with no men in the house - Cassidy and I took care of everything. We shoveled (something I'd never done in my life because Jeremy always took care of that for me), took care of my car (ditto previous statement), and ate what/when we wanted to. We enjoyed ourselves for a few months, and I was proud of myself for being able to do these things.
When I first came home, I had some savings to live off of. I immediately started job-searching and it took me about 5 months to find a full-time job that paid a halfway decent salary. I started my job in July of 2014. Two months later, I was home alone one morning when I broke a coffee pot and a piece of glass went through the webbing between my thumb & index finger on my right hand (of course I'm right-handed). It was dark and I was half asleep and when I looked down at my hand, I could not see anything. I flexed my hand and the wound immediately started spurting blood. I was terrified - and then I realized I couldn't bend my thumb. I held my hand to my T-shirt to try to stunt the bleeding and I called 911. The EMT's came and bandaged up my hand and instructed me to get myself to the ER immediately (they offered to take me in the ambulance but I declined). Long story short, it ended up that I had severed a tendon and some "pulleys" in my thumb. I needed surgery and would be unable to care for myself for several weeks. I was devastated - I had just started my job, I was enjoying the sense of independence that I was feeling, and I had no idea what I was going to do. I called Jeremy later that day to tell him - he happened to be scheduled to fly here the next day anyway, but asked if I needed him to come that night. I said no, the surgery was scheduled for Friday and he'd be home by then to help me.
I firmly believe that things happen for a reason. Jeremy came home and took care of me for several weeks. He had to help me shower, wash my hair, prepare & cook every single meal, clean everything - I was helpless. This was good for both of us - it forced me to let him take care of me and it forced him to realize how unappreciated I had felt. We started talking, REALLY talking. It took me almost a year to tell him how I really felt and when I did, he was determined to change. He worked really hard to show me, to prove to me, how much he loved me and cared about me and our marriage. At first, I thought I was just humoring him by "trying" - I felt like if you had to "try" to make your marriage work, then it wasn't really worth saving. But I was so wrong.
Another 2 years have gone by and we just bought our first home - in Massachusetts. We are happier than we've ever been, and we both dream about returning to California some day. We talk about our problems - I struggle with this, because I truly hate confrontation and "fighting". But I realized that holding it all inside and letting it eat you up does nothing but make it worse. It turns anger or hurt into resentment, and resentment is a terrible thing. Jeremy works really hard to show me how much I mean to him - he's sent me flowers more in the past 2-3 years than he did in the 20 before that. :) We both know that nothing good comes easy, and we believe that our marriage is worth fighting for. Neither of us are perfect, but we're perfect for each other.
Oh - and we've already started saving up to go to Hawaii for our 25th wedding anniversary in 2018.